Grief And Loss

Send In The Clowns

Isn’t it rich?
Are we a pair?
Me here at last on the ground,
You in mid-air.
Send in the clowns…

I’ve always liked that song. Sung by everyone from Barbara to Frank to Judy, it is a poignant song of missed opportunities and love lost.

I turn 40 next year and the realization that my Maman won’t be PRESENT in life is a shocker. She was never much the celebratory type. Birthdays and holidays hadn’t been her thing for many years now. Yet oddly enough this year I got a beautiful bouquet of flowers.

I’m truthfully not the flowers type but it was from her and I was elated. Texting my friends a picture of this huge collection of pungent flowers, never knowing it would be her last birthday gift to me.

“I love you” had become our parting phrase for some time now but expressions of that love were not as overt as this bouquet. This final parting gift of her appreciation and love for me. Her friends tell me of her pride and love for me. Of new achievements she couldn’t wait to share about me, her daughter.

Oh the irony of me shooting up from a deep sleep searching for the photo of this bouquet, the physical evidence of my mother’s love. She’s gone, I’m here. The subtle messages of love once gone unheeded now blaring louder than words ever will.

Isn’t it bliss?
Don’t you approve?
One who keeps tearing around,
One who can’t move.
Where are the clowns?
Send in the clowns.

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1 thought on “Send In The Clowns”

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