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Let Facebook Tell It 

“Life is good for everybody on Facebook, praise the Lord!” A tongue in cheek post by one of my Facebook buddies had me laughing on the inside. So funny and so true. 

If I believed everything I read on social media, there would be no need for the Second Coming. Jesus why am I waiting for you? Folks are happy, families are whole, money is flowing, you can just hold off on the returning cause we are just enjoying our utopia down here on earth. 

Lies we tell ourself. 

Let Facebook tell it …

Our Marriages Are Perfect

Have you ever seen a couple post a photo of them throwing dishes at each other? One that was sanctioned by them at least? Nope! That’s cause no one wants you to know that right after they posted the family trip photos, they were arguing about how the trip was going to put a dent in their budget for the next six months! Lord knows me and the hubster have had some world class stimulating discussions that will never make the editor’s final cut. The cute couples photos will just have to do. 

We Got Haters On Every Corner

I’m always baffled about the emphasis and focus that’s placed on giving attention to the so called “haters.” I mean really. Who are these people and why are they still your friends on any social media outlet? People may not understand your life’s trajectory. They may sometimes find it puzzling. They may find it down right hilarious! But giving them the label of “hater” and dedicating 95% of your posts and attention to people who probably don’t even “follow” you on Facebook is an absolute waste of time. 

We Lead Glamourous Lives

Chile puhleeze! I will be the first to say that my zero-balanced budget is planned a whole year in advance for any big family trip to anywhere. And for every two outings I may go to there are five others that I either could not afford, did not make my life priority list (the list of is this worth my precious time), or did not make my radar. I’m good for posting community events. And even better at not attending them. So when we see someone on the beaches somewhere on an island you can’t even pronounce, stop the speculation and just enjoy the scenery. Way I see it, you are giving me the most bang for my buck! I love New York. Love FAO Schwartz! Love the Eiffel Tower and the city’s view. I enjoy Soho’s trendy shops. Never been there! Between books and friends’ pics, I feel as if I had. Giving thanks and keeps scrolling. 

Cheers to the fashionistas who bought thrift and paired it with Macy’s clearance! Kudos to the professionals that stay on that hook up lost. One time for the Groupon/Living Social junkies! Hi five to those who work hard and play even harder. I ain’t mad atcha. You are doing the most, you are giving us life ‘outchere’ and you got us sipping on champagne wishes and eating caviar dreams! 

Robin Leach would be an unemployed fool if Facebook was on in the 1980’s. Or instead of him hosting “Lifestyle of the Rich and Famous” it would be “Let Facebook Tell It.”

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Marital Fallacies

I grew up reading famed romance author, Johanna Lindsey. Her plots never deviated. Boy meets girl. Boy pretends he doesn’t like girl. Girl pretends she doesn’t like boy. There is a bad guy in there for good measure. Boy slays the dragon and wins girl’s heart. And they live happily ever after. The book would always end with the couple riding off into the sunset leaving me, the reader, to infer of what would happen next. 

My mind would make up all sorts of “part two” stories about how many children they would have and what lands they would conquer as a dynamic duo. They would grow old together and die in the same bed together and be buried together. 

  

Lol! Amen to that!

Your mate does NOT complete you. 

The bible says you came into the marriage two individuals who are now to become one. This notion that another human being is the cause of you becoming whole is heresy to say the least. No human being should hold the place of our Almighty God. He is the Author of our Life. He is the one who holds our future in His hands. Once we were saved we are already made whole. Our spouse would now benefit from this wholeness in our marital union. 

Your mate is NOT perfect.                     

This person who looked so radiant, so dapper, on your wedding day will dissapoint you. There is a reason for this verse:

“Be completely humble and gentle; Be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the spirit through the bond of peace.”- Ephesians 4:2-3

He or she will disappoint and cause you to look at the many pillows on your bed in deep contemplation! 

  

Your mate is NOT the answer to your prayers.                                      

Rather they are the tool used for God’s answers to your prayer. You will wake up one day and realize that the life you both set out to have as a “power couple” has not materialized. Illness, childless, penniless; these are some of the things that can become a couple’s reality.  And while those aspects of marriage rarely make Facebook and Instagram posts, it does happen. Not a question of if, but rather a question of when. 

  

As wedding vows go, this spoken world artist took her wedding vows as a platform to remind us all that marriage is truly serious business!

http://youtu.be/YBncGFCqEOA

In transparency and love…

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The Unofficial Expert

Even at my lowest, I manage to keep my cool and do what needs to be done. I got both parents to blame for that. My dad is a “man of his word” type of guy. He’s a stickler for being on time and doesn’t like loose ends. My mom always kept an organized home. Everything had its place. If it was on the floor that meant you didn’t want it and in the trash it went. She could multi-task that woman! I get it from her. 

I am the person people call when there’s a question. Delphine will know. Or if she doesn’t, she knows somebody who knows somebody. Casualty of being a social worker. Jack of all trades and master of some. 

Once you have lost a parent, you become an unofficial expert in all things grief and loss related. You now know more than your fair share about hospice, life insurance, living wills, burial plots, penning an obituary, you name it. And in between the bouts of tears and gulps for air, you have emerged as the all-knowing bastion of all things concerning death and dying. 

I woke up one day and realized I can talk about losing my mom without outright crying in front of folks. Practice made perfect. But talk to me about flowers at her gravesite or that embroidery cloth I need to frame and I’m back to being a puddle of sad emoticons. There is still more to go. 

In the mean time, my passion is to share with all who wish to hear about that murky future that lies before us. Future of suddenly ill parents. Future of parents with terminal diseases. Future of all the things we think about but don’t dare speak of–until that day arrives. I have always been about passing along knowledge. This is not one of those things that I can afford to clam up on. Someone held my hand through my season. Least I can do is return the favor. 

It’s not a matter of if, but when your season will come. When it does, there will be someone to stop by and walk you through it. 

  

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Geek Girl Gone Wild

I was the shy girl who didn’t make friends easily in middle school. Arguably the toughest four years of my life, I look back at my younger self and am ever thankful that God’s hands upon kept me sane and centered. Being bullied because my mane was wild thick like Medusa’s, that I spoke “white”, that I didn’t cuss or did much of anything that would shame my family name, was the very rocks I took to build my present self. 

I think of all the Black girls who lose themself in social media. Denying their love of books, their faith in Jesus, for a handful of likes on a trashy comment. I think of all the Black girls who walk around with hoodies on to hide their hair, or long sleeves to hide their cuts. Girls who pretend just to fit in. Self shame is the enemy of all women be they young or old. 

That gradual walk to my personal sunset has me shedding lies that I told myself and lies others told me. But it’s the lies I whispered in self-talk that are the hardest to shed. The ones that say you aren’t whole until you birth a child. That you aren’t pretty unless your hair hangs straight.  That you aren’t fashinable cause your clothes isn’t an original off the rack from a big name box store. Lies.com!

There is this verse that says that the latter house will be greater than the former.  Ya’ll know I’m better with recall than I am with exact chapter and verse! Lol!  And oowee is it gonna be great! Your patience and attention for foolishness is rather limited. These days, I preface my comments by saying, “The way my ADD is set up…” Why am I meeting you again? What’s the purpose of this call? What about me you don’t like? #BlankLook 

I used to fuss at my mom for not being as upset as I was about the cards she was dealt with. After all, cancer isn’t nothing to play with. Little did I know she could give two flips about cancer and never wavered in her faith. I want what she’s having! Make it a double!

There’s a line in a TI song that resonates so deeply for me. It epitomizes the wisdom that this mere midlife revelation has brought me. It speaks to my inner core. It screams truth to me! Simply said…

You can miss me with it. You can miss me with it. 

Random Thoughts

All About Perspective



My friend from Haiti is in town for the weekend. This is her first foray to These United States. We have visited her family’s home for the past several years. The island girl in me perfectly at home in their non-air conditioned one bedroom house. My sleeping quarters is their living room cordoned off for guests. Electricity is a random thing that comes on when you are fast asleep and goes off when you first awake. Her husband is building one room at a time and they have just finished their patio. Their home is fully paid. 

I am almost embarrassed to give her a tour of my home. Two bedrooms/two baths and an office. She sees the double washer in the laundry room and marvels at how one sits on top of the other. And not to mention the garage which houses a myriad of “stuff” including my rumored shoe collection. My home still has a mortgage. 

It is truly all about perspective. They have no taxes in Haiti. All we have here is the Land of Hiked Taxes. We wrangle about the pros and cons of our respective countries. No taxes means peace of mind and money in your pocket. It also means no waste removal and no paved roads. No property insurance or mortgage means peace of mind and money in your pocket. It also means an earthquake or hurricane can wipe you clean with no home to boot. 

I want the peace of mind of living somewhere where the food is truly organic and I can jog right next to a donkey or cow (this really happened). My friend wants the peace of mind where primary education is free for her three children and they can grow up with a yard that has grass and not perpetual dust!  I want a slower pace where cell phones and social media isn’t my ball and chain. She wants connections to friends and family beyond an app or minutes on a calling card. 

One existence is no better than the other. At this juncture in life, we are both resigned to the fact that for this season we must settle for the quick spurts abroad. Her to rewind. Me to unwind. 


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Born Twice

They say you are birthed twice. Once when you are born and once when your mother dies. No truer words have been spoken. 

My entry into this world was wrought in pain and my mother’s exit was the same. My first birth filled my lungs with air. My second has given me new breath. My first birth pushed me from darkness into light. My second has done the same. 

The passing of one’s mother is a palpable change in one’s existence. Scales are removed. Weight is lifted. Words that simply danced randomly in your head, finally have outlet. Purpose that was once doubted now has assurance. 

In the Haitian culture, you will remain a child until your elder passes on. So I am no longer a child. At 40, I am now left to walk this earth without the presence of my earthly mother. The cloak of “adulthood” now my burden to bear. 

The first birth is met with celebration by others. The second met with celebration by self. The first is of flailing arms and legs, uncoordinated and untried. The second is of purposed strides that move at a perfect clip. 

This second birth is a cup that no one wants to drink from. Yet it is as inevitable as the setting of the sun. The trick is to welcome it with arms accepting of the both load and treasures that it promises. 

Birth and rebirth. 

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Repairing A Broken Marriage: What Next? 

So you’re on opposites side of the bed these days.  The children provide the only communication in your home. Their absence promotes a pregnant silence that is as impregnable as Fort Knox. You woke up one day and realized the vows you shared are hollowed out and dry. 

Pastor has just sliced and diced you like a flaying fish at market in a message about preserving marriages.  The conviction is real. It is thick in the air. Now what next?  Whoever said marriage was a walk in the park lied and deserves to be drawn and quartered. After all, you’re the one holding the bag of discontent. Now what next?

As a psychotherapist and pastor’s wife, I have witnessed soured marriages where both spouses are left lying in the battlefield of their war.  After words have been exchanged, feelings have been hurt, there is no real winner. For the brave souls who decide to get up and take their scarred hearts into the urgent care, they are one step closer to a solution. 

There is hope for any couple who is willing to admit that their marriage sucks. There is hope for any couple who are on their leg with no where else to turn to. No amount of church services will start to heal a marriage. It takes the hard work of two souls who look to Christ and say, “We give up, and we give in.”

Marriage is God’s earthly example of what eternity will be like with Him. We are here on earth to learn what commitment looks like. What devotion looks like. What desire for someone outside of yourself looks like. 

A trip away, sans kids. Signing up for marital counseling. Attending a couples conference. Practicing a new sexual position. Spending less. Spending more. Placing the children second and you first.  Whatever it takes to get you two on the road is worth the cost. 

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” –Ephesians 5:31