Family, Forever Family, Journey to Mommyhood, Uncategorized

A Mother Nonetheless

Approaching Mothers Day with slight trepidation. It’s normal. It’s expected. 

Loss of a mother. 

Not a mother. 

All things that should send one to an asylum. 

And then one’s spiritual eyes awaken to the many “mother stories” collected.  The talks, the prayers, the encouragements. All motherly. All with a mother’s heart. All led by motherly instincts. 

And I remember, though I have never had a child exit my womb, surely I have birthed many into their destiny! Surely I have carried many into adulthood!

No stretch marks on this belly. No added pounds from carrying another soul. No mommy war stories to speak of. I won’t miss what I have never had. 

Personal peace years in the making. However way God wills it. 

Thankful for the years of practice, of being a willing student. Watching, ever watching…

Waiting my turn…

Current Events

Beautiful You

Dove soap has done it again! Creating these nail biting, thought-provoking videos that turn women into a puddle of water somewhere in the corner of their bathroom. Walking through the “Average” or “Beautiful” door is the latest experiment. And the introspection that ensues for women interviewed is raw and real. 

Most walk through the “Average” door. One mom has to pull her daughter through the “Beautiful” door. One woman, even up until the end, isn’t quite sure if she will ever walk through the “Beautiful” door. A mom and her son walks through the “Average” door. She’s struggling with whether it’s because she believes she’s average or whether she’s believes the press and what others have categorized her to be. And the saddest by far: the woman who stood there and quickly turned and walked away. She didn’t want to make that choice. 

How many women are locked into this paralyzing fear about our looks, our talents, our being? That we aren’t sure of our self-worth? That we have no clue as to who we are and whose we are? I confess, it took me a very long time to get comfortable in my own skin. I spent my teens years, envious of the friends who seemingly had it all. The parents who let them stay out late, the cool clothes to go to places and stay out late. 

I spent my twenties battling with the single me versus the married me and trying to figure out which was really me. Part of my thirties was in a battle to beat the race towards motherhood. Secretly dreading raising kids alongside people I practically helped raise. I’m not sure when that “aha” moment came. I can’t confess to a “Road To Damascus” moment. It may have been gradual or sudden. Who knows? 

But I know that “Beautiful” door is mine for the taking. It’s yours for the taking. It’s ours for the taking. The Beautiful you who has more mountains on your frame where there should be valleys. The Beautiful you whose hair be it kinky, straight, yours or not, or none doesn’t make or break you. The Beautiful you who may have gotten those two or three degrees or just beginning to figure out what your trajectory in life will be. The Beautiful you who chose to be the CEO of KIDS or the CEO of a business. The Beautiful you who God declared was fearfully and wonderfully made! Whose latter house would be greater than the former house! Whose mind wasn’t fearful but Christ-centered and fearless! 

Be that Beautiful you. Werk it! Own it! One step at a time. 

In love and transparency …


For The Stupid Things 

“Sometimes we wish for the better When what we have is as good as it gets…”

The father of the bride started his requisite toast with all the niceties that the occasion demanded. He veered off coarse a bit with his stern warnings of leaving all people, places, and things behind after exchanging these vows. So I’m looking over at my husband with eyes wide as saucers, like did he really say all that? Was that really necessary?

Yessir! It’s necessary and then some!

We have unhappy people sitting in this institution called marriage, thinking that if only they could step outside of their chosen pasture, there would be something nicer, better, prettier, handsomer out there.  As if that warm snoring body with their arm casually draped over you just isn’t enough. That the one who loves to sneak up on you from behind doesn’t quite do it for you anymore. 

There isn’t a married person out there who doesn’t play the “what-if” game every now then. What if I had left for school? What if we didn’t have these kids so early? What if we did have some booger face munchkins? What if we lived in suburbia and not urban hood? What if we were both college educated? What if I didn’t have these student loans? What if?…

What if this is as good as it gets? What if the secret jokes you share with each other can never be topped by another? What if those thighs and legs are the only ones that can wrap around you just so? What if their words will be the only ones that can bring you from 100 back to 0 in no time? What if their voice is the only one your ears and heart will ever respond to?

Too much of a gamble to find out otherwise. 


Wait For It!

“For the vision is yet for the appointed time; It hastens toward the goal and it will not fail. Though it tarries, wait for it; For it will certainly come, it will not delay. (‭Habakkuk‬ ‭2‬:‭3‬ NASB)

Yet for the appointed timeSheesh! Patience was never one of my strong suits. I walked away from a ten year professional investment. When I look over my shoulder and see that “bombs over Bagdad” place I left, I knew that the last three years of uncertainty and stagnancy was for building me up to where I am today. 

It hastens…it will not fail...It is not a matter of if, but rather when your vision will come to pass. If you live long enough and study the fabric of your life’s trajectory, you see the instances where you have overcome. You know the moment where God took you from A to B to C to D …

Though it tarries...I’m big on using words that rarely find a home in human conversation these days. The word tarry is one of them. Tarry defined is: . To delay or be late in going, coming, or doing something. 

Who among us isn’t sitting on a pile of dreams and aspirations? You have children to raise. Spouses to remain true to. Professions to cultivate. Lives to live. There will be no genie in a bottle with a microwave solution waiting around the corner. 

In the mean time, trust the process. It will certainly come. 

In love and transparency


When Your Enemies Hear

So the wall was completed on the twenty-fifth of Elul, in fifty-two days. When all our enemies heard about this, all the surrounding nations were afraid and lost their self-confidence, because they realized that this work had been done with the help of our God. (‭Nehemiah‬ ‭6‬:‭15-16‬ NIV)

Children of The Faith should live in such a way that our actions, our words, our very being should strike awe, fear, and wonderment in the circles we run in. After all, we are royal priests/priestesses. A peculiar people. Children of The Only Wise God. 

If folks aren’t trying to figure out your mojo, if your words continue to fall to the ground, if there isn’t a “presence” about your being, if you are blending in and not standing out, if you are not being talked about for all things righteous, then you are definitely standing on the wrong side of eternity. 

They should know without a sliver of a doubt that who you are is nothing without the almighty grace of God. Don’t get it twisted Boo Boo Kitty! You are NOTHING without the help of God. 

In love and transparency…


He Has Me Hemmed Up

“You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely. You hem me in behind and before, and you lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.” (Psalm‬ ‭139‬:‭1-6‬ NIV)

In the moments when I feel like a ship without sails, this verse reminds me that with every step I take, God is there. He’s not walking besides me. Rather He’s walking behind me and before me. He considers my every every uttered words and knows it completely. 

And my thoughts! They aren’t just heard by him.  They are perceived by Him. To be considered, carefully thought through. In the milliseconds it takes to think and say my thoughts, He knows it. 

Can’t wrap my mind around serving a great big God who sits up high but looks down low on little ol me. 


First Lady Flunkie

My girlfriends and I went to an old school concert the other day. I truly enjoyed myself. Nothing like music to time travel you back to yesteryears. The lineup was stellar. I was only too happy to hear voices that didn’t crack under the duress of time and bad decisions. I stood up and danced and had a good time belting out old tunes with my girls. 

After several video posts of the concert, a friend of mine posted this comment, “This lets me know you didn’t attend First Lady School.” To which I proudly replied that HAD I attended, I would have certainly flunked out. 

My former pastor once told me that I should just be me. This was after I had asked him what should I do? How should I be? I was a young pastor’s wife, with no blueprint on leading the life of a pastor’s wife. My husband wasn’t any help. He just so happens to love my bossy, sometimes temperamental self. He happens to admire my no nonsense approach to life. I have always been a bottom line type of girl. Cut to the chase, get to the point. Get er done. 

Granted, it’s rubbed some folks raw along the way. Actually it has left some bare like bleeding hemophiliacs. There are regrets and then there are no regrets. 

I have met the brave soul who comes on behalf of the imaginary group who hem and haw about what a First Lady should do and say. Some think I have gotten besides myself. As if the box they built and painted for me should be enough. 

A First Lady at a concert?! She’s on vacation in, gasp, Sin City?!! She went natural, grew locs, colored her hair, dresses fashionably, holds down a job, isn’t a housewife, doesn’t play the keyboard at church, and doesn’t allow uninvited guests into her home?! She speaks her mind on touchy subjects and is steadfast in her beliefs?!! Say it ain’t so! Grasping at the pearls. 

Yeah, I would have flunked out of First Lady school at the first class called “Wear a matching hat with that satin suit.” Ughh! I have been rather diplomatic in my quest towards just being me. It’s been a “I can show you better than I can tell you type of thing.”

I am not alone in the glass bowl that is the life of a First Lady. I have heard the bitterness in the voices of many young women who find them self at the brunt of accusing fingers. If you dress like “Susie Homemaker” you aren’t dressed the part. If you are dressed to kill, well maybe the church tithes is financing your wardrobe. If you can’t make a verb and noun agree, then you are dumb. If you are educated then you are too big for your britches. Too worldly. Too heavenly. Not enough backbone. Too much saltiness. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. 

So yep! I am proud to not have been a graduate of First Lady School. That cookie-cutter life would have not been life for me. I serve a great big God who set no boundaries and knows no limit. 

Romans 12:2 

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”